So I might be about to say some things that some people will find to be TMI. If the breastfeeding topic makes you uncomfortable, you should stop reading now, this may be graphic.
I'm about to put into writing something I've only just admitted to myself, so this will maybe shock even my husband. Though maybe not, since we've been here together before. I pretty much hate breastfeeding. But at the same time, I am addicted to the idea of getting it right. I remember it being hard with Lillian, and I am sure I once before thought that I hated it. But things did eventually get better, and I ended up breastfeeding Lilli for around 8 months. So I don't remember the hate so clearly or even how I got past it.
Here we are again though, 10 days into infancy, and I keep thinking each new day has got to be rock bottom. It can't get any worse than this. So far, it continues to get worse. Every fiber of my being curls with dread when my babies latch on. It is like little knives stabbing me in the most sensitive, fleshy, blood filled part of my body. Their gums are like little chain saws. I am sore on the outside, but I bleed from the inside. I can feel the pain shoot up the milk ducks inside my breast as the babies suck the first few sucks. Once the milk drops this gets a little better, but never completely goes away.
Lactation guru's say if it hurts you aren't doing it right. Well, I've been to lactation specialists and breastfeeding support groups and everyone tells me "that looks right, that shouldn't hurt". Well, it does. I had latch difficulty with Lillian. We finally got it figured out, but not until after I suffered a quarter inch gash in my nipple that now is layers of scar tissue. So I do actually know now what a good latch is and how trying to latch 30 times to get it right is so much better than suffering through a feeding with a bad latch.
The boys are getting the hang of the latch thing, but their mouths are so small right now, and I hear boys take longer to catch on, so it may be a while before the process is set to memory. So some feedings are ok and some are torture, resulting in 30 minute latch sessions drowned in baby screams and mommy's tears.
So now that there are two of them instead of the normal one, my boobs are doing double duty compared to Lilli. The lactation consultant in the hospital told me to pump and bottle feed whenever I felt sore and to not feel bad about it (as I was already bleeding by day 2). A few days ago, I started pumping every other feeding to give myself a break. Turns out the pump isn't really my friend either. I have to keep it at the absolute lowest setting possible, barely turned on, and it is still toe curling painful. Today I've been pumping all day and now am considering a regular feeding to give myself a break from the pump. It's a vicious, vicious cycle. Not to mention the last time I pumped, my milk dropped from the sound of the pump, not a crying baby. That's not normal.
Most people would say, with all the adversity, "Why don't you just give it up?" Yeah, logical. But I can't bring myself to do it. I have nothing against formula feeding, but for some reason, I cannot up and quit what I've started with these little guys. Mainly because my daughter received the benefits of breast milk for 8 months, shouldn't my sons receive the same? There are more reasons than just the idea of being fair, but that is the big one. Lillian is just as healthy as she can be, and I want the same for my boys.
So bitch and complain I will do, to my husband's dismay, until we can find a solution. Maybe its partial breastfeeding and partial pumping or partial formula feeding. Right now I have to just take it one feeding at a time. Which is part of the reason this is hard for me. I'm a planner and would like to start planning how this is going to work while home with a toddler. The good thing about having the twins as second and third children is I know a little more about breastfeeding and how to handle my specific issues. The problem is, there is a first child I need to consider when planning this majorly time consuming feat.
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