Easy and hard

I am one week into my at home bed rest.   Overall, I am trying to appreciate this alone time because I will likely not experience this for a long, long time.  I used to like to be alone.  I lived alone for 6 years and really loved it.  Not that I don't like people or companionship, I just never really NEEDED it all the time.  Since marriage and having a baby my alone time dwindled down to basically my drive to and from work. John and I pretty much do everything together, which I would not change for the world.  Add Lillian to the mix and we are very rarely separated.

Finding myself alone for 9 hours a day, 5 days a week is actually easy and hard at the same time.  I can think in a quiet room and type this blog.  But I am alone.  I can talk on the phone for half an hour with no interruptions.  But I am alone  (well besides the person on the other end of the phone).  I can read for longer than the 10 minutes I usually get before I fall asleep at night.  But I am alone.  The two people I love most in this world are off making life happen, and I miss them.  But I realize this is a once in my lifetime chance to appreciate the quiet.  In addition to the quiet, I am trying to appreciate all of the easy and hard parts of my bedrest sentence.

Napping - Easy.  Maybe its because I'm cooking two babies, but in the last week I find myself able to take at least two one hour naps and still sleep decent at night (as decent as peeing every hour will allow).  I fall asleep after breakfast and then again after lunch.  Its crazy how fast I can fall asleep during these times, like my body and the babies are working so hard together to take in the nutrients that I just have to sleep.  And boy do I sleep hard.  It takes me a good ten minutes after these naps to just lay and look around and register that I am waking up again.  Its some of the weirdest sleep I've ever had.

Boredom - Hard.  I'm not good with boredom anymore.  I don't know what to do with the amount of time to fill.  When parenting and working full time your time is filled without you having much of a choice in how to fill it.  You just do what needs to be done, and you never really finish anything.  So here I am with more time in the world and really nothing but tv and books and internet to fill it.

Eating - Easy.  Again I think this is because I am making two babies, but I can eat pretty much whatever I want all day long and not worry about it.  And now I get to do it laying on the couch (eating in the bed I've decided is gross).  I feel like I'm in high school again.  I try to eat healthy, but I also don't worry about the amount of ice cream, oatmeal cookies, and buttered raisin toast that I eat.  I give myself leave to eat the fat and protein the babies need right now.  I only wish Starbucks could deliver the whole milk decaf lattes or mochas that I crave almost everyday.  I realize I might have to cut back on the food if it starts to make a drastic difference on the scale (or my backside) since I am not active at all.  But I'll deal with that if the time comes.  For now, I am ENJOYING this.

Not cleaning - Hard.  Apparently I like to clean.  I miss it.  When John is cleaning up from dinner, I do what I can to help while still sitting in my chair.  Which usually just involves a napkin and brushing crumbs of the table onto my plate.  I can't wait to just get my hands on a sponge and scrub a countertop or the kitchen table or Lilli's high chair.  John is doing a more than adequate job at keeping the house clean and picked up, so I know now that my urge to clean just comes from my finding it enjoyable.  Weird.

Letting people bring me things - Easy.   Once I realized I really don't have a choice but to let things come to me, this part is pretty easy.  I figure people are very generous by nature and if they offer to do something for me I should let them because not only is it bad for me to be cooking and cleaning and going to Target, but it actually makes people feel better knowing they helped us in some way.

Weekends - HARD!  I love having my little family home with me to keep me company, but I am so confined to the places I can lay or recline, that it makes me sad.  I can hear them coloring in the other room.  I feel bad that John had to change 3 poopy diapers yesterday.  I can't leave the house with them and go to the park to swing.  Yesterday we had visitors and Lillian kept saying "Mommy, up. Mommy, up" because she likes to pretend that she's shy.  And it absolutely breaks my heart to tell her that I can't pick her up.  I can't  believe I didn't appreciate these things when I could.  And when I'm done with bedrest it won't just be the three of us anymore, so these things will never be what they were.  I know we will be blessed with two new babies, but knowing these things will never be the same again, makes my not participating in them now easily the hardest part about bedrest.