No Birthday Today

Well from the title of the post you can all gather that the growth ultrasound we had this morning had positive results.  Positive enough that we are not having the babies today, unless I should go into normal labor.

Both babies are still small for gestational age, but they are both gaining weight along their own little growth scale.  Baby A is about 4 1/2 pounds and Baby B is just about 4 pounds.  Both gained exactly a pound since the last scan.  All support systems still look great so the perinatologist sees no need to worry about anything at this point. 

I know this is all super news, and I'm glad to not be having babies at 34.2 weeks pregnant.  However, I am a little disappointed that they are still slightly falling on the percentile chart.  I thought they would be bigger than they are, but the fact of the matter is, I just don't have big babies, no matter how much I rest and how much I eat.  The peri said that this late in a pregnancy they are at a disadvantage on the percentile charts anyway because those charts are based on a singleton pregnancy.  Knowing these boys started running out of room in there weeks ago means it is not be surprising that, although they are gaining weight at their own rate, their size is falling on the charts because they cannot possibly gain at the same rate as one baby occupying one uterus.

We did not bother to schedule another growth scan in three weeks because it is pointless.  In three weeks, I'll be having these babies no matter what.  My hope is they both make it to the five pound range before they decide to make their debut (or my uterus decides to evict them).  The ultrasounds have a six to eight ounce margin of error, so we could already be close to five pounds and not even know it.  But we could also be smaller by six to eight ounces, though this is not the direction I'm going to take.

Now is the point when I start to get really nervous about delivery and having healthy babies.  There is so much you don't know until they come out, and delivery of twins is just riskier than delivering a single baby.  I have to get an epidural (not that I probably wouldn't anyway), and they make you deliver in the OR in case of emergency surgery.  The babies are both still head down, and I really don't see how they would flip at this point.  This means I get to try for a vaginal delivery.  However, they both have large heads, and their head shapes are visibly different (B is pressed up against my hip bone, but we aren't sure if this means anything yet as far as his head shape), and I just hope they both can navigate around that pelvic bone, no matter the shape or size of the head.   Worst case scenario - I deliver one vaginal, and have an emergency c-section for the other.  What a nightmare of healing that would be.  But again, I don't really want to think about that path.  I still plan on trying via birth canal rather than planning a surgery just to avoid the double whammy scenario.  If it happens I'll deal with it.

So that is the update for this lovely sunny Friday.  I am not as nervous about getting through this weekend because we are past the 34 week mark.  Doesn't mean I can take my little one for a walk or go out to breakfast with the family, but I will be more relaxed.  Now I just hope I can tell a real labor contraction from the variety of contractions I've had for 5 weeks. 

34 weeks - yeah!

Well we made it.  We are very excited.  Babies born at this point might need some NICU time, but if they are otherwise healthy, it could only mean a couple of weeks.  I am very fine with plugging along here on bed rest for a couple more weeks if we can avoid NICU time altogether.

I had one of my twice weekly non-stress tests on Monday, and it came back with great results.  Babies' heart rates and movement are just what they like to see.  What this also tells us is the placentas are still working well.  Back two and a half weeks ago at our last growth scan my doctor thought baby B's small size could be attributed to the breakdown of the placenta.  And that does not appear to be the case after all.  We have another growth ultrasound this Friday, and my hope is they will tell us the babies are within the same percentile or even higher from the last growth scan.  I really think the rest and eating a bit more might be helping to get more nutrients to the babies.  Or it is very possible our last scan got the babies right before they hit the typical 32 week growth spurt.  Regardless, I feel huge.  And despite some third trimester puffiness in my face and limbs, I feel the size of my belly has grown exponentially in the last two weeks.

Photos do not give justice to enormity of belly.

After the non-stress test, I went across the street to see my doctor.  I was a bit shocked to see that I gained five more pounds in one week's time.  Wow.  Eating more and doing nothing is paying off in the weight gain department.  Last week I said I would not hit the recommended 35-45 pound weight gain advised for twin pregnancies.  I am now up 29 pounds from pre-pregnancy, and I honestly feel I could go another couple weeks.  So it is very possible that I could reach that recommended weight gain.

I am more confident this week that I can maybe make it another couple of weeks because after much debate, my doctor and I decided we should do a quick cervix check during the visit on Monday.  I have so many contractions that I actually started to fear that I would go to the restroom one day and come out with a baby (I've been watching WAY too much silly television with stories of such things happening).  I was fairly convinced I was 3cm dilated and could start active labor at any point.  Turns out I was wrong.  No change since last check two and a half weeks ago, which was barely even a change from when I was admitted to the hospital in pre-term labor 5 weeks ago.  As of Monday, I am holding at 1 1/2cm dilated and 60% effaced.  My doctor's exact words were "I feel much better about that cervix at 34 weeks than at 29."  Good deal.  However, it could all change at a moments notice, and this week I'm not so great about realizing this.

I have a tad bit of a false sense of security.  Yesterday I spent much of the morning on my feet sterilizing breast pump bottles and writing many thank you cards.  I started packing a bag for Lilli (for when we do go to the hospital and she goes to her uncle's house) and put away the rest of the boys new clothes that had been sitting out.  I'm nesting, no doubt about that.  Everyday my list of to do's gets longer, and I really have to remind myself to rest.  Though yesterday my body did the reminding before my brain could get involved.  My back gets so tired after standing for even just a little while, I have to lay down.  I am pretty sure by the time I have these babies I will have no muscles left.  I will have to take it slowly when I can actually pick up my 25 pound toddler again.  I don't want to throw out my back completely just when I have my body back.

The last five weeks have been a journey, and one I'm not sure I'm ready to end just yet.  I am becoming very ready to not be pregnant anymore.  The belly has taken over my body.  I really cannot state how bizarre my once small innie belly button now looks.  I sure hope it goes back to some semblance of its former self.  But despite my readiness to not be pregnant, and my fear of the belly button metamorphosis, I am a little reserved about what will come after babies are born.  I am not sure I'm totally prepared for the chaos just yet.  Though I am not sure I'll ever be.  So whatever days of peace and quiet I get from here on out are thought to be a gift, for me as well as these growing babies.  If I could drink champagne right now, I would.

Its a beautiful day in the neighborhood

This week marks the one year anniversary of John and I buying our first home together.  I owned a home in the Waldo area for 6 years when single and sold it after John proposed.  I then moved into his Prairie Village home which he owned for a about two years by the time I moved in.  I always felt like the Prairie Village home was mine too because John made it that way, but it still was not really mine.  We put the Prairie Village home on the market on a Thursday last February, and it was sold that Sunday.  At which point we had to scramble every weekend to find something for ourselves.  We had a very specific area we wanted to stay in, and a very specific amount of money to spend, and it was the middle of winter - not the best circumstances.  We put offers on two homes and lost both of them.  Time was running out as our closing on the PV house neared.  It was all very frustrating, but interestingly enough, John and I were always on the same page, so it was great that there was no disagreeing to add to the frustration.

Then on the 12th of April, which also happens to be our anniversary, we jumped at a chance to view 3 new homes that appeared on the MLS during the week.  We took a lunch hour, viewed the homes, and ended up putting an offer out on the first one we viewed during that lunch hour.  It all happened so fast. 

Turns out the owner was going through a divorce and the house was not occupied.  They were looking for a quick sale and agreed to a two week closing period if the bank could get the paper work done.  We were on our way to buying our first home together as a family.

Our home was built in 1963.   We are in a well established part of town with older homes that doesn't see a lot of fluctuation in home values.  We are a little further south of the city than we originally hoped (only about 5 or 10 blocks though), but so far we really cannot complain about our location.  It is not the Village we grew to absolutely love, but our five bedroom house with finished walk out basement would have been twice the price in PV - if it even existed in PV.  John and I always like a project too, so we were actually in the market for a home that needed work, one that we could put our stamp on and make it our own.  More on that in later posts - its been difficult to get anything done with the babies coming.

What we didn't realize when we purchased this house, is the little pocket of houses situated around us is a very private and close knit community.  The area is about 3 to 4 blocks that are only accessible from two entrances off the main street, making this neighborhood very quiet.  A lot of the owners are original to the homes, which I think says a lot.  (The people behind us are 89 years old and he fought under General Patton in WWII!)  But the neighborhood is going through a resurgence and the original owners are turning the homes over to younger families, making this the perfect quiet spot to raise kids, especially since we are in one of the best school districts in the state.

When we moved in, we experienced something we had never known before - even in Perfect Village.  Neighbor after neighbor came to our door to introduce themselves and bring us some kind of edible gift.  We then learned of the neighborhood ice cream socials, mom's coffee meetings, progressive dinners, and the annual Halloween party with bouncey houses for kids and BBQ for parents.  We would go on walks and people outside would introduce themselves and invite us to bring Lillian over anytime to play with their kids or use their swing set.

She is excited, but yet has no idea what she's about to do.

Since some of our neighbors found out about the twins (usually in a conversation had when I was still able to walk around the block with Lilli and John in the evenings) we've had a couple offers of help after the twins arrive, and even one offer to keep Lillian when we need to go to the hospital.

This past Saturday was another check on the list of great things about our neighborhood.  They plan an annual Easter egg hunt.  If your kids want to participate, all you have to do is hang a flier on your door and hide 20-some eggs in your own yard.  Easy enough.  The kids start at one corner of the block, make their way all the way around, searching yard after yard for their little treasures.

This is the face I saw out our front window.  She's awesome.

I was so incredibly sad I could not participate in this with Lillian.  When the kids got to our house, I just looked out the window and watched Lilli having what seemed like the time of her life.  This was really Lilli's first Easter because last year we were in the midst of moving and she was only 10 months old.  But this year, boy did she catch on quickly.  Her Daddy said they would leave one house and she would repeat "more eggs, more eggs" over and over again.  She was the youngest to participate, but John said she ended up with as many eggs as the 12-15 other kids because they would help her out and even give her some of their findings.

Along the trip around the block, John had to mention my current bed-ridden status.  At which point we received offers of more meals and any other help we needed.  Amazing.

Then yesterday on Easter, our little retired lady next door wanted to come by to bring something to Lillian.  She gave her a little garden tool set and a box of chocolate from Laura Little's.  We assumed the box would just contain some fudge or a few candies.  Last night, after resisting all day, I had to open it, because Mommy was likely going to eat some of Lilli's treats. 

But this is what I found.  The woman actually had them put Lillian's name on this.  She was thinking of our daughter when she went into the chocolate shop and had this specially marked.  I couldn't eat this!!  And though I'm pretty sure Lilli can't eat it either (not after our experience on Saturday after 4 Hershey's kisses on an empty stomach - crazy child!), it was such a kind gesture, I cannot bear the thought of ruining it.

So although John and I might miss the Village, the convenience of the grocery store, Starbuck's, the bakery, Goodcents, and the local watering hole, the trade off we now have with neighbors like this is really priceless.  We may lack the material benefits of a town such as Prairie Village, but we now actually understand the meaning of the word community.

As I am finishing this post, 4 fire trucks and numerous paramedics are stopping at a house on the corner behind us where an elderly man lives.  My heart goes out to that family right now, but I have no doubt that whatever the trouble is, this community will be there to help.

33 weeks

I really look forward to Wednesdays when I can officially say we're one more week mature.  We had a couple rough days this last week, lots of cramps, low back ache, and frequent contractions, mainly on Sunday and Monday.

On Monday I saw my doctor and was contracting all during the visit.  I was having these weird little 20 second contractions about every two minutes and larger 45 second contractions mixed in about 3 to 4 an hour.  The doctor told me to not count the short ones, only the long, hard ones.  Works for me.  I also told her of all the cramps and backache.  This can be known as back labor, but it can also just be a regular symptom of pregnancy.  Its so fun to try to guess, but our guess this time is that its just due to my getting further along in the pregnancy.  At 29 weeks, when I had pre-term labor, contractions and cramps can feel like nothing while actually thinning and dilating your cervix.  Whereas now, 5 weeks later, what I feel can be more reminiscent of the weeks preceding Lillian's birth.  Everything will feel more like real labor, but that doesn't mean its actually doing anything to my cervix.  Seems a little backwards, but that's just how it is.

At the appointment I told my doctor of my need to get to 34 weeks in order to feel a little more relaxed because contractions and a trip to the hospital at that point would mean babies, no more bed rest.  She then told me that if I went into labor now, they see no need to stop it.  I've had two rounds of steroid shots for the babies lungs, and that is their main concern when dealing with pre-term labor.  So although that takes a little load off, knowing that if I start labor now, it would be my last hospital visit, its still scary knowing that I could have babies 7 weeks premature.

As of yesterday, the frequent little contractions ceased.  Now I have a couple an hour that last about 30 seconds.  They are also so mild that if I were not so concerned and so in tune with what I'm feeling these days, I would easily miss them altogether.

The doctor also let me know that because we've made it this far, and they assume the babies have gained some weight since the last growth scan, that they can most likely handle a vaginal delivery.  At the last scan 12 days ago, they were both head down and ready to go - doesn't mean they haven't or won't flip, but I still feel much more movement up high, so I think their little legs are still up.  I am not opposed to a c-section, whatever gets the babies out safe, but if I can avoid one and do this the way I did with Lillian, that is my preference.

I put on two more pounds, upping my total weight gain to date to 24 pounds (I gained 29 at term with Lilli).  The bedrest is likely helping in my putting on more weight, either because I'm losing muscle, or just the lack of activity to burn the calories I'm taking in.  Regardless, its best for the babies.  They recommend 35-45 pound weight gain with twins, but I will not get there.  It is amazing to me how this pregnancy just snatches every bit of nutrition I put into my body.  And I imagine nursing twins will be just as taxing.  I'll have to learn how to eat like a normal person again after they are weaned.

All in all , its been a good week.  I am satisfied to be here still.  Bedrest is as emotionally draining as it is physically not.  I am happy to still be pregnant, but I very much look forward to the day these babies come, assuming it is a week or two away still.  I will be happy to get back to moving around like normal, and be able to pick up and snuggle my daughter.  Bedrest is actually a good way to prepare for twins in the sense that I will be happy to have more than enough to do, instead of nothing to do.  Now we just pray for everything to go smoothly when labor does start, and pray some more for very healthy little boys.

32 weeks 3rd milestone

Here we are!  We made it to the most important milestone yet!  And yet I am not quite satisfied.  I'd really like to make it to at least 34 weeks now.

Last Wednesday 31 weeks

The babies at this point are really pretty ready, they just need more fat and breathing practice.  I can feel them each get the hiccups at least once a day, which passes for fetal breathing practice.  I love when they get the hiccups.  I've also gained a little weight in the past week that I hope is going directly to the babies, but when I get a good look in the mirror, I'm pretty sure its also going to my jowls.

Two more weeks of bed rest (at least, I hope!) means two more weeks of muscle atrophy, which could potentially make for a very difficult labor, and quite possibly result in my losing weight instead of gaining.  I have to admit, I'm not very good about laying down all the time.  I try to do my best when nobody is home, but when John and Lilli come home, its just really hard.  I know I'm risking dilating or contracting, but at the same time, I need to move my body.  I have to have some muscle control in order to get these babies out.  Sometimes I wonder if bed rest really is the best way to keep the babies safe.  I almost think some kind of activity (not lifting or bending or strenuous) would help things even more, if only to keep the mother's body strong.

The biggest change with me is my latest friend called heartburn.  Its getting vicious.  I never really had it much with Lilli and this time around its really only been with certain foods, until the last 24-48 hours.  I've had heartburn around the clock.  To the point where I don't want to eat anything, but I have to.  At 11:00 I had yogurt and blueberries, and I feel like I ate a stick of dynamite covered in spicy mustard and jalapenos.  If I can't eat yogurt, what can I eat?!  The good news about heartburn is it means that my digestive system is slowed down giving my body longer to absorb nutrients into the blood and send them along to the placentas and finally the babies.  I suppose I will stop complaining.

Today, 32 weeks

The other change taking place today is I am no longer allowed Motrin.  I weaned from it yesterday and have experienced some mild cramping.  I think its been going on, just masked by the pain reliever, so now I am just a little more uncomfortable.  I get a contraction here or there, but nothing to be scared about at this point.  All I take now is Vistraril, which is an anti-histamine.  It is also used for treating anxiety and tension, which would be why they prescribed it during the pre-labor session three weeks ago.  I am only just now learning that its really not doing anything for me other than making me tired during the day.  Which is ridiculous because now every time I try to sleep during the day the phone rings, the neighbor's dog goes crazy, or someone is mowing their lawn.  Its fine really, I don't need my daytime naps.  In fact, I think napping might be keeping me up at night because I exert so little energy now during the day.  But maybe I'll drop the Vistaril as well before too long.  I don't see the point in taking it.

While I know 32 weeks is an accomplishment after experiencing pre-labor almost 3 weeks ago, the competitor in me just wants to keep going.  These babies need to get bigger.  Now my goal is as little NICU time as possible...

3 years

John and I were married three years ago today.  Where did the time go?  On one hand I feel like its flown, but on the other, we already have a toddler and two more to come any time now!  All that can happen in just three years' time?  Amazing. 

And really what we have is pretty amazing.  I am especially reminded lately of the kind of man I married.  Being on bedrest is no easy task for either of us, and he's handled it with complete grace and selflessness.  The  man is doing all of the household chores, mine and his, as well as keeping up with Lillian (bathing and dressing her, playing and going on walks), and cooking every meal for the 3 of us when we are home together.  Top this off with having a full time job that is sometimes very stressful and the sudden reality that he is the only one bringing home bacon for a while, and I have one amazingly well balanced husband with extreme depth of character.  And if one day soon he cracks, I won't blame him, and I will be here to pick up the pieces.

This beautiful sunny spring day is not at all reminiscent of the day we married.  We chose April because of the weather, but there was sleet and snow the day we married.  Of course it really didn't matter, we just wanted to be married and start our life together.  Oh, and go on the honeymoon... Ahhh, the honeymoon.  One day we will get back to Ti Kaye Resort in St. Lucia.  Maybe at our ten year anniversary (the kids will be 7 and 9!).  Though somehow I don't know that it would be nearly as carefree as the first time around.

We've done a lot in 3 years... married, had our first child, bought our first family home together, traveled some when we could (probably not as much as we would have liked), now expecting number two and number three, while slowly renovating the home, buying cars, saving for college, retirement, and next week's groceries.  John has taught me a lot in the 5 years I've known him.  And I hope that he would say the same of me.

The next year of our marriage might prove to be a difficult one.  John keeps reminding me of the article he read about people no longer experiencing a 7 year itch, its more like a 3 year glitch or something like that.  Well here's the deal with us, we are expecting twins and will have 3 kids under 2.  There is no way this is going to be easy for us; glitch, itch or whatever it might be.  But we communicate, we are good at it, and I think that is the number one way you survive in a marriage.  I also believe that John and I like a challenge and we'll take this one full on and only make the best of it.  How can we not?  We love each other, we love our children, and we love making better people of ourselves.

So Happy Anniversary John.  Let's make the next year even richer than the last three.  I Love You.

False Alarm

Yesterday, Friday, we had our level 2 ultrasound appointment with the perinatologist at 8:30 am.  We ended up arriving at the hospital about two and a half hours early for this appointment.

My doctor changed my meds on Wednesday because I was taking Motrin, and I should not be taking that after 32 weeks.  She prescribed Procardia in its place, which is a high blood pressure medicine, but works for pre-labor to relax smooth muscles, heart and uterus both being smooth muscle.  My initial thought was she wanted to take me off the Motrin a week early because of the babies' small size, in case of an emergency c-section, or in hindsight, maybe she wanted to see how I would react to the Procardia. I started my first dose of this stuff around 2pm Thursday.  After the second dose around 8pm, I started to feel a little weird, anxious, like something was wrong, with a dull, persistent headache.  And I started to contract more than I had been for 2 weeks.

We went on to bed and slept for an hour before the rain woke us up as it was spilling over our brand new gutters onto our bedroom window and the sidewalk below.  At which point my husband, who is constantly worried about the functionality of the gutters, decided to take a flashlight and a broom up to the dormer window above us to see if there was a blockage on top of the gutter guard.  Apparently there was a wet pile of leaves and crud sitting on top of the guard which John proceeded to knock off while hanging out the dormer window with the broom.  I could hear him in our room, thinking he was actually on the roof, I naturally started to freak out (mind you, the dormer window is 3 stories off the ground in the back of the house).  I know I should not doubt my husband's intelligence by assuming he is barefoot on the super steep roof in the middle of a thunderstorm, but I am also not in a rational state of mind at this point.

The headache was much worse by this point and my skin was crawling.  I wanted to go outside in the rain myself and run around the house 50 times.  And the contractions were getting worse.  I went on to take the 3rd dose of this medicine, which I now regret.  We were up the remainder of the night.  Me in excruciating pain and anxiety like I've never felt, and poor John trying to talk me off the ledge in order to get me and the contractions to relax.  I didn't want to take anything for my head because I wasn't sure I could.  I hate that I'm pumping myself full of all this crap to begin with, it can't be good for someone that weighs 3 pounds.

Around 5am, and some pretty heavy contractions that I had to breathe through, I called the doctor.  "Go to labor and delivery."  Ugh, here we go again.  We called the lovely sister-in-law to sit at the house while the p-nut slept the rest of the morning, and off we went.  Kathy proceeded to take wonderful care of our toddler, taking her to breakfast and onto daycare for us.  Family is great.

6am at the hospital, I get attached to baby and contraction monitors, at which time, my contractions completely stop and the babies look great.  I realize as it approaches 7am that my last does of Procardia must be wearing off a little because my headache was back to dull.  The medicine was working in the way it should be for blood pressure because my always normal pressure was down to 90 over 50.  Not good, and apparently why I had the headache.

My doctor checks me at this point and finds that my cervix hasn't really changed but just slightly, and I am apparently not in preterm labor this time, no contractions whatsoever.  Great news.  Also great news, they have to take me off the Procardia because basically I "don't react well to it" as I have a barely beating heart when taking it.  We decide the stress of this and the headache are likely why I started contracting again.  She puts me back on Motrin for another week until I'm at 32, and then I go off of it completely and just hope that rest is all we need to not go back into labor.

Since we were already at the hospital, they just notify the perinatologist that we are there and they wheel me into the office for the scheduled ultrasound.  The tech begins with baby A, 3 pounds 6 ounces, much better than just 3 pounds.  Baby B however is 2 pounds, 13 ounces instead of the 15 ounces they got at the doctor office 2 days prior.  The problem with baby B is his belly is measuring about 3 weeks behind, bringing him down in percentile.  The peri is not really concerned about this because everything else looks so great.  His heart, movement, placenta, fluid, cord blood pressure are all very normal and good.

The peri sends me on with direction to rest a lot, as I am doing, and continue to eat right.  Both will apparently help to send more blood to the placentas with the right kind of nutrients.  So I am trying to concentrate more on my protein, which is absolutely my least favorite thing to eat, in order to get these babies to maybe gain a little more bulk.  She also prescribes another round of steroids for the babies lungs and schedules another level 2 ultrasound in 3 weeks, after speaking with my doctor.

We come away from all of this feeling pretty good.  Generally, the measurements are an average and quite possibly not correct.  So all we can do are the few things directed by each doctor and hope the babies are a little bigger than the educated "guess" from ultrasound.  And if both doctors think an ultrasound in 3 weeks is actually doable, that makes me feel good about our original goal of 34-35 weeks.  At 34 weeks they will not try to stop labor, which will be a huge stress relief, other than babies born 6 weeks early will most likely need some NICU time, but hopefully not too long. 

Today I feel great, rested after a normal night's sleep (minus the hail storm that nailed us last night) and back to normal just taking the Motrin again.  Contractions are back down to a few a day.  So 32 weeks, here we come!

31 weeks

Well, I feel happy to have another week gone by without incident.  However, we had a doctor appointment today that only reminded us once more that this is a high risk pregnancy.  That nothing about this pregnancy is the same as Lillian's.  That even when one risk factor can be under control, another can rear its head with no warning.

We had a biophysical profile as well as a growth ultrasound before meeting with the doctor.  In the biophysical the ultrasound tech measures the heartrate, cord pressure, fetal breathing, among some other factors.  Both babies scored 8 out of 8.  Things were off to a pretty good start.  The growth ultrasound also started off well.  Though when the tech estimated baby A's weight (the bigger baby of the two) at 3 pounds 2 ounces, I was a little disappointed knowing this was a little on the small side for 31 weeks.  The tech then proceeded to measure baby B, who has all along been a little behind, but now he's showing about 3-4 weeks behind, weighing 2 pounds 15 ounces.

Not thinking too much of this, we waited in an exam room for the doctor.  When she came in she informed us "your babies are not behaving well."  Kind of stunned, I listened as she told us that they don't like to see the growth slow so much at this point in the pregnancy.  They went from being in the 35th-45th percentile for their gestation down to the 20th-35th percentile in 4 weeks time.  The doctor attributes this to the breakdown of the placenta(s) in twin pregnancies.  Sometimes a mother's body cannot support a larger amount of placenta, and I have two of them.  Although this breakdown is not uncommon, I think this is something that typically starts to happen around 34, 35, 36 weeks, when the babies are a pound or two bigger.  The problem at this point is if the babies don't level off or pick back up on the growth charts, and baby B gets closer to the 10th percentile, they will schedule a c-section.  If they are not growing well on the inside, the best thing for them is to incubate them and let them grow on the outside.

So our next step is to get another level 2 ultrasound with the perinatologist at Shawnee Mission.  She will be able to give us a little more information after she does a thorough measurement scan.  I also then start non-stress tests two times a week at the hospital, which I don't think were supposed to start until 32-34 weeks.  We will need to see the results of each of these tests before we know what comes next.  At this point its just a waiting game. 

I can't help but try to find reasons for why this might be happening.  I personally haven't gained any weight in about 5-6 weeks.  I eat all the time, but can't seem to keep up.  The doctor says this doesn't have anything to do with my weight gain.  I know I have some fat stores they could take from, but I can't help but think it has a little to do with it.  After all, this is the time when the babies grow the most, so shouldn't I be gaining something?  Same goes for the hospital visit last week.  Did the babies not react well to all the medication I recieved in the hospital, and everything I've been taking in the almost two weeks since?  Even though it was all for their well-being and considered safe, I still wonder...

I'm trying to look at this in the most positive way possible.  I realize that in the scheme of things, we're still doing pretty well.  The babies, from what we can tell, are healthy.  Small, but healthy.  Lilli was only 7 pounds 3 ounces, so I don't have a history of having larger babies.  We made it to 31 weeks and I'm pretty sure we'll make it to 32.  My hope now is to just make it two more after that, maybe both babies will have a growth spurt and baby B stays over that 10th percentile mark.  At least with bedrest, I can actively participate in keeping them inside, but I have no control over how well the placentas continue to work.  I still think 35 weeks is possible, and I'm not going to give up on that just yet.  I just have to trust that things will happen as they may and that someone out there is taking care of us.

Easy and hard

I am one week into my at home bed rest.   Overall, I am trying to appreciate this alone time because I will likely not experience this for a long, long time.  I used to like to be alone.  I lived alone for 6 years and really loved it.  Not that I don't like people or companionship, I just never really NEEDED it all the time.  Since marriage and having a baby my alone time dwindled down to basically my drive to and from work. John and I pretty much do everything together, which I would not change for the world.  Add Lillian to the mix and we are very rarely separated.

Finding myself alone for 9 hours a day, 5 days a week is actually easy and hard at the same time.  I can think in a quiet room and type this blog.  But I am alone.  I can talk on the phone for half an hour with no interruptions.  But I am alone  (well besides the person on the other end of the phone).  I can read for longer than the 10 minutes I usually get before I fall asleep at night.  But I am alone.  The two people I love most in this world are off making life happen, and I miss them.  But I realize this is a once in my lifetime chance to appreciate the quiet.  In addition to the quiet, I am trying to appreciate all of the easy and hard parts of my bedrest sentence.

Napping - Easy.  Maybe its because I'm cooking two babies, but in the last week I find myself able to take at least two one hour naps and still sleep decent at night (as decent as peeing every hour will allow).  I fall asleep after breakfast and then again after lunch.  Its crazy how fast I can fall asleep during these times, like my body and the babies are working so hard together to take in the nutrients that I just have to sleep.  And boy do I sleep hard.  It takes me a good ten minutes after these naps to just lay and look around and register that I am waking up again.  Its some of the weirdest sleep I've ever had.

Boredom - Hard.  I'm not good with boredom anymore.  I don't know what to do with the amount of time to fill.  When parenting and working full time your time is filled without you having much of a choice in how to fill it.  You just do what needs to be done, and you never really finish anything.  So here I am with more time in the world and really nothing but tv and books and internet to fill it.

Eating - Easy.  Again I think this is because I am making two babies, but I can eat pretty much whatever I want all day long and not worry about it.  And now I get to do it laying on the couch (eating in the bed I've decided is gross).  I feel like I'm in high school again.  I try to eat healthy, but I also don't worry about the amount of ice cream, oatmeal cookies, and buttered raisin toast that I eat.  I give myself leave to eat the fat and protein the babies need right now.  I only wish Starbucks could deliver the whole milk decaf lattes or mochas that I crave almost everyday.  I realize I might have to cut back on the food if it starts to make a drastic difference on the scale (or my backside) since I am not active at all.  But I'll deal with that if the time comes.  For now, I am ENJOYING this.

Not cleaning - Hard.  Apparently I like to clean.  I miss it.  When John is cleaning up from dinner, I do what I can to help while still sitting in my chair.  Which usually just involves a napkin and brushing crumbs of the table onto my plate.  I can't wait to just get my hands on a sponge and scrub a countertop or the kitchen table or Lilli's high chair.  John is doing a more than adequate job at keeping the house clean and picked up, so I know now that my urge to clean just comes from my finding it enjoyable.  Weird.

Letting people bring me things - Easy.   Once I realized I really don't have a choice but to let things come to me, this part is pretty easy.  I figure people are very generous by nature and if they offer to do something for me I should let them because not only is it bad for me to be cooking and cleaning and going to Target, but it actually makes people feel better knowing they helped us in some way.

Weekends - HARD!  I love having my little family home with me to keep me company, but I am so confined to the places I can lay or recline, that it makes me sad.  I can hear them coloring in the other room.  I feel bad that John had to change 3 poopy diapers yesterday.  I can't leave the house with them and go to the park to swing.  Yesterday we had visitors and Lillian kept saying "Mommy, up. Mommy, up" because she likes to pretend that she's shy.  And it absolutely breaks my heart to tell her that I can't pick her up.  I can't  believe I didn't appreciate these things when I could.  And when I'm done with bedrest it won't just be the three of us anymore, so these things will never be what they were.  I know we will be blessed with two new babies, but knowing these things will never be the same again, makes my not participating in them now easily the hardest part about bedrest.